Dad died.

It was a sudden heart attack. Completely unexpected. He was on vacation in Northern California and we had to drive 8 hours to get there... we got there in 6.... He was in a coma upon arrival since he had had a full on cardiac arrest in the car. They had resuscitated him, but his brain had been too long without oxygen and had already acquired permanent brain damage. By the next morning, he was gone.

This has been my worst nightmare since I was 12... I now have two houses, three cars, and tons of bills to worry about, and no job. Personally, I have no idea where I'm going to be in 6 months... but I'd like the world to know that I still love life, and I am still going to work my hardest to make this world a better place. If it means I must crawl on the streets, then so be it... but I know that Life has provided for me. I will find the way. I am powerful, and my faith is powerful, and in times like this one can really see the advantage that people of faith have over people of "no faith" -- I am full of hope, love, and ambition. I am full of direction. I will survive... somehow.

My father was a good man. I have no memory of him ever being mad at me, ever raising his voice, ever having a bad mood or a negative word. I loved my dad. I still do, and I know he's still here with me, watching over me, helping me every step of the way. I love dad so much. He was my friend, my confidante, my hero... he will be sorely, sorely missed. But in the same way, he was the one thing holding me back from being the powerful soul that I am. I am no longer afraid to go out there and face the world. With no one to protect me, I shall be my own protector. So fuck you, all you hateful, bitter, cynical jerks... I am a light that burns true and strong. I am my own lantern. I am my own powerhouse of spiritual strength and don't you ever forget it. Life is amazing. Although I know I will be suffering, I am looking forward to all the beautiful artwork that will come out of it. In a way, my soul feels home. My soul feels like this has always been me, that this suffering is familiar, that once again here I am, wrapped firmly in the sweet arms of depression and the unknown, with no safety net and no veil to hide me. Well, I don't need to hide anymore. I will save this world. I will save you all from yourselves. I do not need a shelter -- God is my shelter, and I will be yours.

I love you, Dad. I will miss you. But just know that everything you have taught me, all of your wisdom, your encouragement, your kindness and your thoughtfulness, will live on in me and through my actions. You will not be forgotten, not by a long-shot, and you have left a permanent mark on this world. Your permanent mark is kindness, and all of the people you moved and changed through your kindness, all of the dreams that came true and all of the doors you opened for the people around you. Dad, I will live to be like you, and carry on your dream. I will live and be kind.

I love you. Goodbye.
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All I have are pictures,
and pictures don't forget.
For all the thoughts inside
I haven't found the words as yet.
Despite these past eight years
your gentle voice prevails,
inside my mind
I try to find
a reason that entails --
Or justifies,
or thus explains
why your soul was taken,
why it had to be my love,
what longings have awakened.
What lessons of this world
were taught to ordinary me --
I search inside,
Hypothesize
a reason this may be.