Snippet just for fun.
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I used to stare at the sun for hours, waiting to go blind.

Although I knew that I wouldn't, some part of me kept hoping that I would. As though if I just gazed long enough, perhaps for half a day or more, the sun might pierce through me and change me back into what was supposed to be human. Change me into something that belonged in nature.

I would try other things, growing up. Fall out of trees on purpose, landing at odd angles in an attempt to break my legs. I thought of throwing myself in front of cars, but I didn't want to hurt anyone accidentally, so I threw myself off of bridges instead, or rooftops, or anywhere that was high enough really. It never worked. I would hit the ground - or cement, or metal - and still I would stay the same. Not even a break in the skin.

The kids all knew I was different. The adults did too, though they did a better job of hiding it. Who would want to be friends with a freak, anyway? That's why I would watch the sun; because maybe if I went blind, I would at least know that I was normal. Human. Just one of many. Then I could go to the hospital or the clinic and feel like I belonged there, like I needed help just like everyone else. That it was okay to be vulnerable, because I was built that way. Instead I find myself observing life rather than experiencing it, watching as others run back and forth, fearing for their loved ones and then loving all the more. And then me, on the sidelines, pathetically trying to learn what I cannot feel, and which comes so easily to others.

The doctors told me I was a miracle. That if God had made a perfect human, it would have been me. That if evolution had a peak, I was its apex. If only I could feel the same way.

If only I could be blind.